it feels like

i dont have anywhere or anyone to go anymore.
at least, i feel like it.
i'm sure i'll have one or two friends say "you know you can always go to me."

but nonetheless, even still,
i feel like i cant go to my friends because these fights are all just trivial to them.
i can't go to my family because i never talk with them anymore, nor do they probably even care to hear it.
cant even go to my best friends because i feel like i'm just burdening them
when they're busy with their own lives.

i cant run to her because its me and her that are fighting in the first place.
even if i tried, i feel like its constantly that i'm reminded of how bad a person i am.
how terrible a person i am.
how much she hates me.
how much its my fault.
how much i never give her a reason to believe anything.
and then she makes it look like i dont really care at all.

but it actually does hurt.
"i'm always a liar."
"i never try."
"i'm useless."
"i dont care about you."


and then after you say what you wanna say, you leave and take a nap.
leaving me here feeling like shit while i wait for you to wake up, and then probably continue
reminding me how much i never care.

but its fine, because i never change even if i say i do.

its the first time i'm really writing about how i feel on this damn website.
that's because i used to care about people reading this and then having some negative feeling towards my own feelings.
but now i dont care, because i feel like i have no place to go.
because now i feel like i have no one to run to.
i have to resort to using a damn website and keyboard to "listen" to my problems.
all because i feel like i dont have anything else to turn to.


i'm such a bad person.
its not even sarcasm to reply to anything you've ever said to me.
i am.

i dont even follow what i tell others.
i dont even believe in my own "morals."
i'm always a hypocrite.
i always lie.
i always care about what people think.
i am fake.
i have anger problems.
i have issues.
i'm admitting this now because this is what i've come to realize over the past year.
i dont think i really deserve any attention or compassion or any true friendships.

this is not even unfortunate for me, being that this is naturally who i am.


what's it called when you realize how something is and you want it to change?
but you dont change it.

its called being lazy right?
yeah... i'm disgustingly lazy.



i think this is what i get for being such a shitty person.
a self-loathing attitude.