it's like

this like that like this and uh.

didn't really do anything today, woke up and took kathleen to school.
came home after and made instant noodle before i went to work.
and then after work we came home, played farmville and mafia wars.
man i feel so lame for writing it out on a blog.

this feels dumb.
i feel stupid.

i think...

i'm depressed.

damn

i fuckin' love gears of war. period.

hell motherfuckin' yeah.

oh man...

what the hell am i going to do with my life?

so, if i do start printing shirts

i'm going to need a name for it.
like, a dope ass one, something funny and clever.



anybody who actually reads these,
IM me with a name you'd think of for a clothing line.

"someone once said...

... that the world is a satire.
all you're doing is recording it."

la dee da mother fuckin' dum.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i wanna move to... i dont know.

somewhere where i dont have to deal with your bullshit.
that's where.



i should start working on some artistic shit.
goodnight.

i dont know if it's

more guilt than sadness. or the other way around.


either way, i dont feel really happy about my life.
i mean there's aspects of my life that i love.
but what i'm sad about kind of overwhelms those aspects sometimes.
or at least it feels like it.




i want things to change but i'm not doing anything about it.
i want to get out of here before i get sick of everything and everybody for no reason.
its rare for me to be cheered up now these days.

... i guess you can say i'm depressed.






maybe i'll move to ikebukuro.
or something.

so i found something to do...

i was eating at shin-sen-gumi (which also brings up another thing i wanna talk about later) and i always saw those shirts they have on the wall for 20 bucks.

always wanted one, so i was like, "COO" and bought one.
and then one week later, which was yesterday, i tried eating at orochon ramen.
they had a shirt too! :O



and so i bought one of those too!

that's RIGHT, gonna collect t-shirts from all ramen houses i come across.
the good ones though, not the bad ramen houses like...
... like somewhere, i dunno.




**
now, almost everybody i know that knows of shin-sen-gumi calls it "hakata" instead.
isnt that the type of ramen? why the fuck would you call it the type of ramen?
should i call santouka... "asahikawa" instead of it's fucking name?

if that's the case, should i call weinershnitzel "germany" instead?
or call in n' out "burger" instead of the actual name?

"hey guys, lets go to burger."
fuck man i didn't know that made sense.

shin-sen-gumi has a fucking name.
geez.


why am i writing about this?
because nobody ever reads this shit anyways
so i'll write about whatever the fuck i want.
but that's what this is for anyway,
so FUCK THE ROBOTS.

:O

now i feel bad

but not like in a guilty way.
my finger is cut and gashed a little from work.


and this band-aid is falling off.
:[

honestly

i dont really enjoy life much anymore, a little more than half of the time.
yeah, i have a lot of things, but i'm not a happy person.
at least not as happy as i was before.
the more i think about it the more i hate my life.
the more i dislike who i've become.



hahaha, that's why i love work, because it's a different world from the real one.
where all i gotta focus on is cooking and cleaning.
it's my fucking sanctuary from everyone else's bullshit.
i dont have to worry about anything until my work day is over.







even if this is venting, i'm disliking my life more and more just by writing this.
i know its all in my head
but i can't help it.

it's sad

when you get lied to in front of your face.
and you know it.


[non-related]

i cant stand

people that are all like, "i'm high on God."
and praise Jesus Christ, and then go talk shit 15 minutes later
like it ain't no thing.


and some people's excuse is some bullshit like "we're all sinners."

word.
so if we're all sinners, and you acknowledge it,
and praise God and make it sound like you wanna go to heaven,
then you should close your mouth when shit starts to seep out of it.
be real.


its like you can only repent while you're at church
and when you're outside of it, the only thing that comes out of your mouth
is shit about other people.

fuck you.
yeah, i'm an angry person.



**i'm not saying all church-goers are this way
just some.

for those of you who go to church and actually try to repent, without the judging and gossip, and are real in general.
then you keep on doin' you, and you'll get what you want.

frontin'

he acts like he knows everything.
but in reality, he knows he doesn't, and so he shoots off his mouth every time

in order to cushion the fact that
he's actually a bloody idiot.

i hate it when

you can't do shit.
rather, you can, but you don't because you're too lazy.
and then you feel useless.





i can admit i'm a fucking horrible person.
but that doesn't mean i can accept it just as easily.

nobody

nobody ever reads this anyway.






i forget that i'm only human.

its bad.

people always say, "it's okay, let it out."
and when you do, it feels good. kinda helps you sleep easier at night.
and then you get used to it.
and then you start letting it out every time.
and then you start letting it out at the wrong time.
wrong place.
wrong people.

shit, there shouldn't even be people some of the times when you let it out.



so it gets bad.
too much of anything gets bad.

now this time, we keep it bottled up.
what mama dont know wont hurt her right?
what nobody knows wont hurt them.

but in the end, you blow up.
its not even the fact that you blow up that hurts the ones around you.
its the fact that they weren't expecting it.



so what to do? what to do?

find middle ground, of course.




but easier said than done.
much easier, you fuckers.

Hanna's Departure

The family members have tears in their eyes when they
welcome him back to the inn from his long journey.

"Thank you so much for coming."

He understands the situation immediately.

The time for departure is drawing near.

Too soon, too soon. But still, he knows, this day would have to come sometime,
and not in the distant future.

"I might never see you again," she said to him with a sad smile when he left on this
journey, her smiling face almost transparent in its whiteness, so fragile - and therefore
indescribably beautiful - as she lay in bed.

"May I see Hanna now?" he asks.

The innkeeper gives him a tiny nod and says,
"I don't think she'll know who you are, though."

She hasn't opened her eyes since last night, he warns him. You can tell from the slight
movement of her chest that she is clinging to a frail thread of life, but it could snap at
any moment.

"It's such a shame. I know you made a special point to come here for her..."

Another tear glides down the wife's cheek.

"Never mind, it's fine," he says.

He has been present at innumerable deaths, and his experience has taught him much.
Death takes away the power of speech first of all. Then the ability to see. What remains
alive to the very end, however, is the power ot hear. Even though the person has lost
consciousness, it is by no means unusual for the voices of the family to bring forth smiles or tears.

He puts his arm around the woman's shoulder and says,
"I have lots of travel stories to tell her. I've been looking forward to this my whole time
on the road."

Instead of smiling, the woman releases another large tear and nods to him.
"And Hanna was so looking forward to hearing your stories."

Her sobs almost drown out her words.

The innkeeper says, "I wish I could urge you to rest up
from your travels before you see her, but..."

He interrupts his apologies,
"Of course I'll see her right away."

There is very little time left.

Hanna, the only daughter of the innkeeper and his wife,
will probably breathe her last before the sun comes up.

He lowers his pack to the floor and quietly opens
the door to Hanna's room.

Hanna was frail from birth. Far from enjoying the opportunity to travel, she rarely left
the town or even the neighborhood in which she was born and raised.

This child will probably not live to adulthood, the doctor told her parents.

To this tiny girl with extraordinarily beautiful, doll-like features, the gods had dealt an
all-too-sad destiny.

That they had allowed her to be born the only daughter of the keepers of a small inn
by the highway was perhaps one small act of atonement for such iniquity.

Hanna was unable to go anywhere, but the guests who stayed at her parents' inn
would tell her stories of the countries and towns and landscapes and people that she
would never know.

Whenever new guests arrived at the inn, Hanna would ask them,
"Where are you from? "Where are you going?"
"Can you tell me a story?"

She would sit and listen to their stories with sparkling eyes, urging them on to new
episodes with "And then? And then?" When they left the inn, she would beg them,
"Please come back, and tell me lots and lots of stories about faraway countries!"

She would stand there waving until the person disappeared far down the highway,
give one lonely sigh, and go back to bed.

Hanna is sound asleep.

No one else is in the room, perhaps and indication that she has long since passed
the stage when the doctors can do anything for her.

He sits down in the chair next to the bed and says with a smile,
"Hello, Hanna, I'm back."

She does not respond. Her little chest, still without the swelling of a grown woman,
rises and falls almost imperceptibly.

"I went far across the ocean this time," he tells her. "The ocean on the side where the sun
comes up. I took a boat from the harbor way way way far beyond the mountains you
can see from this window, and I was on the sea from the time was perfectly
round till it got smaller and smaller and then bigger and bigger until it was full again.
There was nothing but ocean as far as the eye could see. Just the sea and the sky. Can
you imagine it, Hanna? You've never seen the ocean, but I'm sure people have told you
about it. It's like a huge, big endless puddle."

He chuckles to himself, and it seems to him that Hanna's pale white cheek moves
slightly.

She can hear him. Even if she cannot speak or see, her ears are still alive.

Believing and hoping this to be true, he continues with the stories of his travels.

He speaks no words of parting.

As always with Hanna, he smiles with a special gentleness he has never
shown to anyone else, and he goes on telling his tales with a bright voice,
sometimes even accompanying his story with exaggerated gestures.

He tells her about the blue ocean.

He tells her about the blue sky.

He says nothing about the violent sea battle that stained the ocean red.

He never tells her about those things.

Hanna was still a tiny girl when he first visited the inn.

When she asked him "Where are you from?" and "Will you tell me some stories?"
with her childish pronunciation and innocent smile, he felt a soft glow in his chest.

At the time, he was returning from a battle.

More precisely, he had ended one battle and was on his way to the next.

His life consisted of traveling from one battlefield to another,
and nothing about that has changed to this day.

He has taken the lives of countless enemy troops, and witnessed the deaths of countless
comrades on the battlefield. Moreover, the only thing separating enemies from comrades
is the slightest stroke of fortune. Had the gears of destiny turned in a slightly different
way, his enemies would have been comrades and his comrades enemies. This is the fate
of the mercenary.

He was spiritually worn down back then and feeling unbearably lonely.
As a possessor of eternal life, he had no fear of death, which was precisely why each
of the soldiers' faces distorted in fear, and why each face of a man who died in agony
was burn permanently into his brain.

Ordinarily, he would spend nights on the road drinking. Immersing himself in an
alcoholic stupor - or pretending to be - he was trying to make himself forget the unforgettable.

When, however, he saw Hanna's smile as she begged him for stories about his long
journey, he felt a far warmer and deeper comfort than he could ever obtain from liquor.

He told her many things...

About a beautiful flower he discovered on the battlefield.

About the bewitching beauty of the mist filling the forest the night before the final battle.

About the marvelous taste of the spring water in a ravine where he and his men had fled
after a losing battle.

About a vast, bottomless blue sky he saw after a battle.

He never told her anything sad. He kept his mouth shut about the human ugliness and
stupidity he witnessed endlessly on the battlefield. He concealed his position as a mercenary
for her, kept silent regarding his reasons for traveling constantly, and spoke only of things
that were beautiful and sweet and lovely. He sees now that he told Hanna only beautiful
stories of the road like this not so much out of concern for her purity, but for his own sake.

Staying in the inn where Hanna waited to see him turned out to be one of his small
pleasures in life. Telling her about the memories he brought back from his journeys, he
felt some degree of salvation, however slight.

Five years, ten years, his friendship with the girl continued. Little by little, she neared
adulthood, which mean that, as the doctors had predicted, each day brought her that
much closer to death.

And now, he ends the last travel story he will share with her.

He can never see her again, can never tell her stories again.

Before dawn, when the darkness of night is at its deepest,
long pauses enter into Hanna's breathing.

The frail thread of her life is about to snap as he and her parents watch over her.

The tiny light that has lodged in his breast will now be extinguished.

His long travels will begin again tomorrow -
his long, long travels without end.

"You'll be leaving on travels of your own soon, Hanna," he tells her gently.

"You'll be leaving for a world that no one knows, a world that has never entered into
any of the stories you have heard so far. Finally, you will be able to leave your bed and
walk anywhere you want to go. You'll be free."

He wants her to know that death is not sorrow but a joy mixed with tears.

"It's your turn now. Be sure and tell everyone about the memories of your journey."

Her parents will make that same journey someday. And someday Hanna will be able to
meet all the guests she has known at the inn, far beyond the sky.


I, however, can never go there.

I can never escape this world

I can never see you again.

"This is not goodbye. It's just the start of your journey."

He speaks his final words to her.

"We'll meet again."

His final lie to her.

Hanna makes her departure.

Her face is transfused with a tranquil smile as if she has just said,

"See you soon."

Her eyes will never open again. A single tear glides slowly down her cheek.

-A Thousand Years of Dreams.




... i dont know, it kind of struck me, this story. hahaha.

there

is no good or bad.
only thinking it will make it so.

-Billy Shakespeare.

ouch.

my hand hurts.
my fault.


my fault i have a bad temper.

never have i

realized it so.






after this.
go call whoever you're going to call.
go hang out with them.
make yourself feel better.



why say i guilt trip you if you act like you dont care in the first place?
it shouldn't even phase you anyway right?





lol, it hurts.

its no wonder.

to be honest, this is just a scramble of thoughts that's in my head.
i'm not gonna categorize who and what
just because that might cause a whole stir of debates.



figures that i'm so easily angry now these days.
i'm tired of all you punks
acting like you know life and you've experienced everything.

if not everything, then enough to "part wisdom"
among others your age when you know its not guidance they're looking for
but someone sit there and listen to their problems.

no wonder nobody honestly likes you.
your "genuine" antics are full of shit.



and for all of you kids going acting like you're so self-righteous.
and then talk shit about that weird kid in the back of class.
that "stupid" kid that wont amount to anything.
that teacher that didnt let you make up your test because your ass was "sick."
and all those other people who apparently aren't justified enough for whatever decision they made
that you don't agree with.

shut the fuck up and grow up.




i cant stand people like you.
people know you're full of shit.
stop defending yourself and making excuses about your actions.
if you're really genuine and you know it, that's fine enough.
dont go making yourself look more stupid than you already do.


argh.

it feels like

i dont have anywhere or anyone to go anymore.
at least, i feel like it.
i'm sure i'll have one or two friends say "you know you can always go to me."

but nonetheless, even still,
i feel like i cant go to my friends because these fights are all just trivial to them.
i can't go to my family because i never talk with them anymore, nor do they probably even care to hear it.
cant even go to my best friends because i feel like i'm just burdening them
when they're busy with their own lives.

i cant run to her because its me and her that are fighting in the first place.
even if i tried, i feel like its constantly that i'm reminded of how bad a person i am.
how terrible a person i am.
how much she hates me.
how much its my fault.
how much i never give her a reason to believe anything.
and then she makes it look like i dont really care at all.

but it actually does hurt.
"i'm always a liar."
"i never try."
"i'm useless."
"i dont care about you."


and then after you say what you wanna say, you leave and take a nap.
leaving me here feeling like shit while i wait for you to wake up, and then probably continue
reminding me how much i never care.

but its fine, because i never change even if i say i do.

its the first time i'm really writing about how i feel on this damn website.
that's because i used to care about people reading this and then having some negative feeling towards my own feelings.
but now i dont care, because i feel like i have no place to go.
because now i feel like i have no one to run to.
i have to resort to using a damn website and keyboard to "listen" to my problems.
all because i feel like i dont have anything else to turn to.


i'm such a bad person.
its not even sarcasm to reply to anything you've ever said to me.
i am.

i dont even follow what i tell others.
i dont even believe in my own "morals."
i'm always a hypocrite.
i always lie.
i always care about what people think.
i am fake.
i have anger problems.
i have issues.
i'm admitting this now because this is what i've come to realize over the past year.
i dont think i really deserve any attention or compassion or any true friendships.

this is not even unfortunate for me, being that this is naturally who i am.


what's it called when you realize how something is and you want it to change?
but you dont change it.

its called being lazy right?
yeah... i'm disgustingly lazy.



i think this is what i get for being such a shitty person.
a self-loathing attitude.

so out of it.

gotta focus on school again.

i'm already behind on reading.

i dread

econ class.

i think you should

shut the fuck up.
lol. nobody cares whether you get mad or disappointed.
all you do is speak after you watch.
when you think everybody still likes you.

lol, fuck off.

you'd probably say, "your decisions are your decisions."



then shut your mouth.

after tonight...

i am reminded that we're still young.
hahaha, we drink and hang out to feel good, and we forget that
we're still so very young.

things will happen because we're not fully responsible
or ready to be responsible for our actions.
but that's what growing up is all about.

i just like to observe.
and then take care of you guys when you get too drunk.
hahaha.




and that is what friends are for.
=)

i...

am sorry.


and in pain.
i haven't felt like this in a while.

its really hard to breathe right now.

this is bad.

i should be getting ready for school, sleeping early and stuff.

but i'm up watching House M.D.
:O

oh shit.

so... i learned that...

"that's me, i'm always right, gotta be. if they don't like you, you've gotta be right. or you're not worth anything."

i am...

fuckin' hungry.

it is settled.

mother fucker.

i'm getting a 32 inch tv.
... when i get the money for it.

ha-chaaa.

so... i feel a bit embarassed.

i used to bag on daeil when he was like "you can play with darth vader in soul calibur 4"
when i had the one for the 360.


and before, it used to be that it was just YODA was exclusive for the 360.
and darth vader was for the PS3.


and then i looked at the DLC for soul calibur 4.
and i got darth vader now... on the 360.
he's really slow.

my bad daeil.

whoo.

today was almost a total waste of time.

almost.


damn lawyers, gettin' drunk and shit.

y'know what i love?

roast duck.
chinese roasted duck.



mm. yum.

there goes some money.

so... i spent like 100 bucks on a rack for my games and an external hard drive.
finally.
now i can delete the shit on my laptop.

but then this rack is too small.
=o=
so i have to return it. and probably buy a shelf at ikea.




ta da! and it's eco-friendly, the top and bottom sides are made out of real bamboo.
whoo-hoo.

so... i need more money.

circuit city closed down officially.
and uh... that was where i was planning to buy my new TV.
but now i can't.
and now i'm gonna have to buy it best buy.
where i'm gonna need more money for it.
plus i need money for leftover stuff.

:[

anyway.
i'm watching the bourne trilogy because i cant remember a thing about it.

chuc mung nam muy.

is that how you spell it?
or... something like that.
anyway.


i love chinese new year.
vietnamese new year.
same thing.


its those damn red envelopes.
if you know which envelopes i'm talking about, then i'm sure you know why i love chinese new year.



ah... xbox live!! :D

grow up.

lol.

nobody cares.

two ways to get attention:
yell.
or.
do something about it.





three-hundred dollars.
ish.

it's like something's missing.

it's a bit harder in life to go get what you want, when you want it, without your own car to take you places.
that's the only thing i'm looking forward to.

a car dammit.
then i can take you places.
then i can visit my friends at the universities.
then i can work during the week days.
then i can make more money.
then i can buy what i want.
then i can have more fun.
then i can get some people off my back.
then i can help my mom with the house.
then i can go somewhere and relax on my own.

ahh... all i want is my own.
or my mom's car.
that'd be nice. :]

hopefully one more month.




... so. just found out how to connect to xbox live two stories down from my router, without dishing out 90 bucks on buying an adapter.
thanks vince. :D

other than that. i'm happy with my life.
my head hurts.
but i'm happy.
got a job that i really enjoy.
got my own privacy in this house.
got an amazing girlfriend that makes me happy. :]
got my awesome friends.
when i look at my life from this blogging, i kinda realize that i take my life for granted.



i should be a lot more grateful for the things i have.